I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize