today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
