I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
