my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
