i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My penis needs a shock collar
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
