I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize