bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
