So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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