my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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