my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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