Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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