On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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