Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
