I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
