I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
