I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
