So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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