I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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