He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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