just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
