2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
