my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
well you can't waste a boner
my being single is dangerous.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
