Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
