Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize