Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
two words: eviction party
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
