Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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