her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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