Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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