do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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