porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
