so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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