umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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