woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
