so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i think i just lost a toe
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
God I need to hump something, right now.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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