yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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