Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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