Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize