i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize