my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
