Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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