My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
