laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
