OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
