This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
