yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
