Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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