i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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