I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
