I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
