I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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