So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
