At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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