Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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