The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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