it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
