I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize